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After leaving Akari's restaurant, I promised Amane that I would see him tomorrow, and we waved goodbye.
And the moment I pulled out my phone to check the time, I felt as if cold water had been poured on my elated mood.
The screen was filled with the history of incoming calls from my mother. The number of unread messages exceeded 20.
I could already feel my mother's anger, and my heart began to race. What should I do? I had no choice but to go home.
I dragged my heavy body to the front of the house and inserted the key into the front door, which suddenly slammed open.
"Haruka!"
I heard a deafening high-pitched voice and saw my mother's face turn red with anger.
The next moment, I felt a shock on my cheek. Then, as if on fire, it became hot. She had slapped me.
When I was little, she used to slap me once in a while when I didn't listen to her or when I skipped a lesson, but not at all recently. So, for a moment, I stared back at her, stunned, holding my cheek with my hand, not knowing what had just happened.
"Do you know what time it is! Where have you been wandering around this late without calling us!"
As I listened to my mother's yelling, I slowly began to feel a surge of anger.
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As if the excitement I had felt earlier was a visage, I felt cold from the depths of my heart.
It was terrible of her to hit me without asking me why. I was no longer a small kid, and I could speak clearly.
'But why did you suddenly hit me? Do you think children are dolls that do what you want them to do?'
There were so many things I wanted to say, but as I looked at my furious mother, the words got stuck in my throat and I couldn't get a single word out.
"I happened to meet an acquaintance on the way home, so I was just talking to him…"
When I talked to my friends at school, I sometimes heard that they yelled at their parents or got into a big fight. But I have never once been able to argue loudly with my mom.
I usually listened to what she said without talking back, and when I really wanted to talk back, I just made excuses in a small voice like I was talking to myself.
It was the same now. I couldn't look my mother directly in the face and tell her what I wanted to say, so all I could do was to make a few small arguments with my eyes averted.
"Don't blame others! If you're going to be late, you could at least call. Besides, it's not a nice thing for you to be out at this hour. Stop being friends!!"
It was always like this. She would hurl one heated word after another at me, leaving no room for me to interject.
She probably thought that children were just dolls that did whatever she said, so she had no interest in listening to my opinion.
"You are a... Why are you like this? You don't study hard enough, you get push-ups, and then you play around without even reflecting on what you did. Why can't you work as hard as your brother?"
I wanted to shout back, "I don't want you to compare me to my brother." But I knew that if I did, the sermon would be even longer, so I just bit my lip and endured the words that were hurled at me.
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"He's studying for the national medical exam while going to college," she started. "He's doing his best to achieve his dream. Why are you so different, even though you are brother and sister? Why can't you do the same?"
My brother had been able to study since he was a child, and he was completely different from me. Why did she expect me to have the same abilities as him? It was impossible, of course.
I wished she wouldn't think of me as her daughter anymore, and just love my brother as her own child and expect as much as she wanted from him.
The words that I could not let out were piling up in my heart and sinking heavily.
"I don't want my daughter to become a dreamless person who just lives in a daze. Haruka, I want you to follow your older brother's footsteps and think that it's okay to dedicate your life to something like your mother. I want you to find a vocation and lead a vibrant life."
"Yes, yes," I nodded again and again. I had heard these words so many times that they made my ears calloused, but there was no way I could say I was tired of hearing them or put on an expression that suggested so.
Mom was the manager of a cosmetics store before she married my father, and after my brother and I were born, she immediately returned to work and has continued to work there ever since. I don't know much about her, but I hear that she is considered to be a very successful woman. She often says that her goal is to make the store number one in the nation in sales.
She said that working in cosmetics was her calling, and that it had become her life's purpose to the point where she felt like she wouldn't be herself if she wasn't doing it. She was proud of herself for finding a job that she was passionate about and achieving excellent results.
That's fine, but I didn't want her to impose that on me. It was not like I was happy that I hadn't found my dream.
"At this rate, Haruka, If you don't find a dream, you'll end up a lethargic office worker like your father. You have no dreams, no goals, and you just do the work in front of you. Is that what you want? You don't want that either, do you?"
I liked my father. He was an "ordinary office worker" who wasn't in good terms with mother, but was kind and listened to his children. He didn't try to make his children do what he wanted, like my mother, but respected them as human beings.
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I wondered why she always complained and spoke ill of such a kind father, even though she chose him and married him herself. I felt dissatisfied, but all I could do was to keep my head down and say nothing.
"Haruka, I don't want you to have a boring life like your father. I'm saying for your own good, you know?"
'All you do is lie. You're not doing it for me, you're doing it for yourself. You are only satisfied if your daughter lives up to your ideals,'
I was sure if I said something like this back to her, she would be furious. So, I swallowed it all down.
"What is that look in your eyes? You really don't know the heart of a parent from the heart of a child, do you? How much your mother cares about you..."
Still, I bit my lip as the words I forced down my throat threatened to overflow. Not wanting to stay here any longer, I mumbled softly in the intermission of the| sermon that seemed to go on forever.
"I'm tired, so I'm going to go to my room."
I turned on my heel before she could stop me.
"Hey, Haruka! Hear me out!"
Hearing my mother's piercing voice behind my back, I ran back to my room.
As soon as I closed the door, I slid down to the floor with my back against the door. A sigh escaped my lips.
I held my knees and buried my face in them for a while. Suddenly, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I checked it and saw a message from Amane.
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[Thank you for today. I look forward to our meeting tomorrow.]
As soon as I saw those words, I felt as if the haze that had settled in my heart had been lifted.
I had a promise to fulfill to Amane, even though I was depressed about everything. Starting tomorrow, I would have a special secret time after school that no one else knew about.
Just thinking about it made the darkness in my heart fade away.
I hurriedly replied to him and then hugged my phone. My heart was trembling with anticipation and expectation that my mundane and boring days might change.
Merry Christmas!🎄
John 14:6
Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
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 I WANT TO SMILE BESIDE YOU IN THE SPRING THAT I HAVEN'T SEEN YET - CHAPTER 2, PART 9){kind=link}
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